i am standing under the water
i let all the water drip fast
running through the eyelashes
down to the redden cheeks
mixing it up with the salty tears
from the tired and exhausted eyes

both of the hands trembling
i can feel the heart struggling to escape my chest
it is beating too fast i can hear the ragged breathing in my own ears

i told you
i mutter under the breath
go in, blend in, do not spark
it is dangerous
because people will always find faults in you
people are cruel and prideful
they do not care about you

i told you
to go and do what you suppose to do
do not step up
do not voice out
sit at the back
buried yourself in your own world
because people do not like you
people say good things because they need to survive

back then
you promised yourself no more self hating
look where you are today

you are just making things right
but people do not like right things
because people who try to do right things
are dictators
overbearing
and high-handed

and now you are falling deep in shallow water
of hatred and self destruct
because maybe you are hate for trying to do right things
and you know you will never be good enough for them

so you tell yourself
be cold
detached yourself from emotions
just like three years ago.