something happened today and it hurts my chest really bad. and i feel like i should write because that's the only way for me to let out all of my feelings. writing. yes. let's do this.

i never thought that i will have these thoughts of being privilege before. honestly, i don't come from a wealthy family. my family rather an average family. both my parents work in the government sector and my siblings and i went to public, government funded schools. then continue our study at public, government funded university (except my oldest sister. she went to private universities.). i, among thousands other students, who are quite in need of scholarship. the thoughts of applying for a scholarship never come to me until i was in my foundation. you see, during high school, i'm not the brightest student. i never been in the best students' list. i never been in what you call "pelajar harapan spm" or whatever big exams we are sitting. i would say that i am quite average. my grades in school has always been average. i've experience everything. to get the highest marks for a subject in the entire batch or failed a subject.

and when i finish my spm, i thought of going for foundation because that's the fastest way for me to continue the bachelor degree. it will only take one year for me or to be exact ten months. i'm not really hoping for matriculation because i know my add maths result will be very bad (mind you, matriculation takes your add maths result really seriously). so i applied for every single foundation programs that public universities offer. i am just hoping for the best because in order for me to get a place in a foundation program, your result need to be excellent.

my spm result came out and i was happy, to be honest. i am not the best student of the school. i didn't even get to take my result on the stage but i am truly happy with my result. it is beyond my expectations. i feel like all of my hard work preparing for spm has been paid off. and my result can get me a place in one of the foundation at a public university that i applied.

i got into a foundation. furthering a course that i've been wanting for a very long time. then, a lot of my schoolmates text me and said congratulations and they envied me because they also want to pursue the course that i got. they said i'm lucky and i can do this because i've always been that clever student at school. i was shocked. i never thought these people think this high of me. i never think i am lucky or clever.

with the burden on my shoulder, i finished the foundation this year with dean's list. how do i feel? excited? maybe. i never aim for dean's list to be honest. because for me it's quite impossible. because i know my limits. then, i prepared for the interview. this interview will determine whether i will be accepted to the faculty of the course that i want. and i sort of fucked up the interview. and i feel like shit. a month later, the result of the interview came out and before i check it, i said to myself that if i don't get it, it's okay and it's not the end of the world.

i got in. i was accepted. my dreams come true.

and i still can't believe that i will make it. i've always thought that only brilliant students will get to continue studying in this faculty.

behind my journey, i have a family that support me and close friends that always have my back, no matter what. in my family, my second sister pursue the same course as i am. and i always look up to my older sisters. my oldest sister lived in a big city at the age of 18. went to college there. knows no one, yet she survived and do well. my second older sister has always been the brilliant one in the family. she did well in high school. and when she went to university, although she has rough road in completing her studies, she always get up and continue it. sometimes, when we meet our extended family's members, they will be asking her when will she finish her studies? why it takes so long to finish? i was a kid at that time. talking back is consider rude, especially to adults. but i really want to say that some people study for 3 years and some people study for 10 years but both of them finish it and graduate. it doesn't matter how long it takes for you to finish your study but the will for you to finish it is something that should be look at. i always think she is a strong person. i could never be like her. and my oldest sister. that's why my younger siblings and i look up and respect them a lot. they deserve it.

i am always stuck between these two positions. i have two older sisters, which make me the youngest and i also have two younger siblings, which make me the oldest. as the youngest, i always lean on and need support from my older sisters. as the oldest, i feel the need to do the best in everything so i can encourage my younger siblings to do better than me.

as i said, i wrote this post because i need to let out something from my chest. because i feel burden by it. i am not good at talking about my feelings. i often write it. i express better through writing. i am not as vulnerable as i will be if i talk about my feelings.

end.